5 Sure Fire Ways to Maintain Real Facebook Friendships

Facebook should equal familiar faces, not strangers: How to use Facebook to maintain real friendships and avoid having 1000 Facebook friends and still feeling lonely.

A few years ago, I remember running into a friend on Facebook that lived in New York. I said ran into because there is no other way I can think of putting it or maybe being ambushed is a better expression? I will explain more and then you can help me decide. We were pretty close back then, if you consider spending a meaningful summer together, that included many nights talking on my  aunt’s front porch into the wee nights about our life and future,. While the rest of the world went to sleep.

However, he had a drama filled life that was too much for me to digest. Despite that, we relished each other’s conversations and I enjoyed watching him walk home until he disappeared at the end of the street each day. During that time, I consistently tried to fortify and encourage him but always came away feeling that although I did the best I could, it was not good enough. It was going to be up to him to grow up and work out his own demons himself.

At times, you may have to sacrifice an unsustainable friendship to save yourself…because too much negativity can destroy your spirit.

So I finally came to the hard decision, that it was better for me if I kept my distance and constructed a world that was more positive and supportive…one that would keep me on track, because I had to stay focus. We eventually lost touch as I moved away mentally and then physically as I relocated to Raleigh.

Nevertheless, he was popular and well-known, so I figure losing a friendship with me, would be the least of his worries.  So I was taken aback when I logged into Facebook after years had gone by and wasn’t there for even five minutes good, when an instant message from him popped up. Within minutes, he started bombarding me with messages, before I could find the option to disable this feature. During this spotlight moment, I politely engaged in conversation, where he said a lot of very sentimental and heartwarming things, some of which included that he loved me, he missed me and that he came to realize I am the only real friend he has had for some time and without me he felt very much alone. Hearing all of this after 3 years was interesting, especially now that I was engaged to be married. Nevertheless, reminiscing back to those days, all we had was an unspoken crush…but we were still friends…nothing more nothing less. At least that is what I thought. Actually, I was more a friend to him, than he was to me, but now it no longer mattered…I had moved on.

At this time I looked at his friends count on Facebook, and he had about a 1000+ friends. So I said to him Jeff (let’s call him that for privacy) how can you be lonely with a 1000 friends?

He said without hesitation that these Friends meant nothing it was all social hoop-la and empty connections. And that he really longed for more meaningful connections, like the one he had with me.

After our conversation, he gave me his number, but I never called…because we were no longer real friends and it was not worth reconnecting. This led me to the decision to write this blog for anyone else that found themselves in this social predicament online.

Based on the study, Growing Closer on Facebook: Changes in Tie Strength Through Social Network Site Use¹, “Scientists debate whether people grow closer to their friends through social networking sites like Facebook, whether those sites displace more meaningful interaction, or whether they simply reflect existing ties.

Combining server log analysis and longitudinal surveys of 3,649 Facebook users reporting on relationships

with 26,134 friends, we find that communication on the site is associated with changes in reported relationship closeness, over and above effects attributable to their face-to-face, phone, and email contact. Tie strength increases with both one-on-one communication, such as posts, comments, and messages, and through reading friends’ broadcasted content, such as status updates and photos. The effect is greater for composed pieces, such as comments, posts, and messages than for “one-click” actions such as “likes.” Facebook has a greater impact on non-family relationships and ties who do not frequently communicate via other channels.”

5 tips on how to use Facebook to maintain real friendships and prevent having 1000 Facebook friends and still feeling lonely.

Keep it Real

Only accept friendship connections from people who you know or care to get to know. If you do not know them now and have little to no motivation of getting to know them later, it will prove difficult you will ever find the time later go develop a sincere friendship.

Spend Time Connecting

Commenting vs. Likes

Studies show that, one click actions for example “Likes” does very little to build closeness.

So the next time you think

about clicking  the “Like” about something your friend or family member did, just comment instead by writing them a short note instead.

Broadcasting updates vs. Private messages to specific persons

Broadcasting messages may be convenient and quicker for you to do this to include everyone in your connection. This one-to-many but indirect method may increase closeness somewhat, as family and friends engage in passive consumption of your data that you have posted. Nevertheless, this kind of communication is bi-directional and it may be difficult for them to fill in the gaps of what gets posted and what does not. Consequently, broadcasts are received as very impersonal and based on how often you send out the broadcasts it may become irritating to connections that may start ignoring or zoning out your messages.

So take the time to engage in more composed communication, that is one to one instead of one to many, as this is more effective in bringing you closer. This direct communication provides two pluses, it will make connections feel special, as well as, become more meaningful to you because you took the time to write.

Take the Time to Read only what Matters

If you care about someone enough to want to take time to read what they have said on Facebook, then you know that relationship is meaningful to you. However, if you find yourself being bothered by their updates and posts, it is better for you to block those messages or de-clutter your friendship connections, by unfriending them. This removes them as a friend and allow you more time to read and explore the updates of the people who matter.

Phone Conversations sounds Better

Instead of spending all the time messaging someone on Facebook, pick up the phone and give them a call. If you do not have their phone number and you are not friends enough to share it, ask yourself why you spend time talking to them on messenger, if your friendship is not real? Real friends talk to each, and especially enjoy phone conversations. If you can’t bring yourself to do that, it is time to re-consider the friendship connection, as life is too short to waste time with the wrong people.

Use Facebook to increase your Connectedness to Family and Friends

Do not use Facebook to replace your close communications, but use it to take it to another level.

According to some Facebook users in the longitudinal study, Growing Closer on Facebook by Moira Burke (Facebook) and Robert Kraut (Human-Computer Interaction Institute Carnegie Mellon University), “We see each other almost every day so we do not use Facebook to chat or keep up to date, but we are able to share pictures of our adventures and it is an easy way to share links, websites, and videos.”

Therefore, even if you do not see each other every day, being able to share your adventures in a close-knit social circle

is beneficial to everyone including you, as it increases your connectedness. However, if you feel like you cannot trust the people in your friends list or call on them if you need someone to talk to or need help. It is time for you to do some housecleaning and start on unfriending the people you cannot relate to.

In conclusion, though Facebook is a very useful social media platform that helps you to stay in touch and connect with family and friends. Nothing beats sincere connections, so it is important to use it to extend how you connect, not as a replacement. So forego the urge to use it as a substitute for face to face connections and still take the time to call someone or write to them. While, keep in mind that Facebook may work differently, depending on the relationship you have with your connections. So do your best to keep it authentic, so you can avoid ending up with a 1000 friends and still feel lonely.

References

• Burke, M., and Kraut R. Growing Closer on Facebook: Changes in Tie Strength Through Social Network Site Use. Proceedings of the SIGCHI Conference on Human Factors in Computer Systems. ACM, 2014. (Best Paper Award Winner).

• Retrieved June 2015: Read the full paper here: https://www.facebook.com/download/270075549826845/burke_chi2014_relationships-final-mb.pdf

Credits: All Images courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

About the Author:

Kaylaa T. Blackwell is an IT Professional working @ Itron, Inc. and a student @ Southern New Hampshire University with a penchant for writing, researching and helping others resolve real world issues. She has a great interest in technology, business and psychology and how they impact each other. Learn more about Kaylaa here.